Men Looking to "Put A Ring On It"

As a psychologist and author, I’ve discovered a major fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to relationships: MEN REFUSE TO SETTLE!

I’ve heard for years that men in their late 20’s, 30’s or 40’s who are professional, attractive, God-fearing yet SINGLE must be one of four things: 1) Gay 2) Crazy 3) Life-time players or 4) Commitment phobic. However, I would like to add one much more likely category that I believe will ACCURATELY categorize the majority of good, available, professional men who love the Lord…

LOOKING

That’s right LOOKING. They are looking for the right woman to settle down with. Men do not tend to settle for even 75% of what they are looking for- they want it ALL. By experience, men will not settle down and marry until they find that special woman, the ONE ak.a. the "complete package", who sweeps them off their feet by possessing ALL the qualities to warrant the term “wife”. A man will date numerous women, avoid commitment with a pretty good woman, and choose work, money and/or working out over marriage for the rest of his life-especially one who’s been divorced before-

UNLESS…

A woman comes along who sweeps him off of his feet who knows the RING FORMULA- the ring formula to being his wife. She must possess all of qualities that he has been searching high and low, near and far, locally and internationally for. If a woman has the formula down then she’s in the ultimate position of power. After all, one of man’s greatest fears is letting the ONE walk into and out of his life. He’s spent his entire adult life looking for her remember-that’s why he’s dated so many women (don’t you get it?).

He still can recall the potential ONES he didn’t commit to earlier who are now married or moved on. This time around, he’ll give his left arm not to lose the ONE and put in the necessary WORK (a term of endearment for men) to seal the deal which usually means producing a RING.

What are these qualities? Here’s a sneak peak at my list. Watch the video for detailed explanation and please feel free to add your own!

1) A Chef
2) A Cheerleader
3) A Counselor
4) A Women With Supreme Confidence
5) An Encourager
6) A Co-Pastor
7) A CEO
8) You add…

I Cheated On My Regular Bible With...

I used to read my regular Bible daily and only felt encouraged. Privately, however, I really didn't understand how I was supposed to apply what I read to my own life. I would nod with approval as the pastor read the word and then daydream about things I needed to do after church while the sermon was still being delivered (just being honest and don't act like I'm the only one-smile).

One day, however, I couldn't help but notice that a large number of people kept reading the Bible after the specific verse had been read. I took a sneak peek at my neighbor to the right to see if they were just slow readers, getting ahead, or if their Bible had more text than mine. I was surprised to learn that it did! They had something called a Life Application Bible that broke down each scripture in application form at the bottom of each page. At once I was hooked and made the switch. Here's why...

Presently, I am struggling with two issues:

1) Dedicating all of my work to God and not to Alduan. Am I uplifting HIM or Dr. Tartt?

2) Having faith in God that everything will work out versus making things happen myself. You see how that worked for John Henry.

Here's what I read verbatim from the Life Application Bible this morning (in italics).

Proverbs 16:3: Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Application Section for Proverbs 16:3

There are different ways to fail to commit whatever we do to the Lord. Some people commit their work only superficially. They say the project is being done for the Lord, but in reality they are doing it for themselves. Others give God temporary control of their interests, only to take control back the moment things stop going the way they expect. Still others commit a task fully to the Lord, but put forth no effort themselves, and then they wonder why they do not succeed. We must maintain a delicate balance: trusting God as if everything depended on him, while working as if everything depended on us. Think of a specific effort in which you are involved right now. Have you committed it to the Lord?

Wow, did that sum it up or what? To be honest without the application section to this verse I would have only been encouraged and left with no specific instructions about application. Now, I clearly understand how to balance faith and work. For me, word without application is useless but no longer do I have to worry about that. I've found a new love (smile).

Chances are many of you already have a Life Application Bible but if you were late to the party like I was, maybe you should peruse one yourself. Can you really afford not to in times like these? God Bless!

Less Is More: No MVPs Allowed In Love

If there is one thing that psychologists, therapists, and helpers in general are notorious for it’s bringing a MVP attitude into our personal relationships. As a result, we tend to do way too much work in relationships. We feel LeBron James-like because we are used to fixing everyone else’s relationships and, quite naturally, take the lead role on fixing our own.

Well, well, well…how exactly did that work out for LeBron? He took the lead role only to discover that a team without a MVP had significantly more power. Why? Because each member of the Orlando Magic simply focused on “doing his part” and allowing their teammates to do the same. It kept everyone focused, included, and HAPPY. Truth is, everyone wants to feel like a contributor by doing his/her respective part well.

The same thing holds true in relationships. Two people who commit to doing their equal share (50%) are always stronger than a couple with a 75-25, MVP-style split. As helpers, we should know that a fist is always more powerful than a finger-no matter how big or clinically skilled it is. We must commit to simply doing our part (never to exceed 50%) and rely and expect our partners to do the rest. They are not patients, clients, etc. and are fully capable-if allowed- to do their part.

We cannot single-handily fix our relationships. When we try, we always make matters worse and our partners eventually feel disempowered and ultimately do less and less since we are so driven to do it all (like LeBron’s teammates). Ironically, the team or relationship needs the MVP to fail so that the other partners can step up and shoulder the load. When we do this, our partners will appreciate us more and we’ll become a stronger team. Remember, when it comes to helpers, MVPs and love… less truly is more.

Do you find this to be true in your relationships?

Monogamy is DEAD?

According to Michael Baisden, monogamy and men don’t mix. There were rumors that Jada Pinkett-Smith (publicly acclaimed super-wife) gave Will Smith a “day off” each month to be with other women. For the record, Will & Jada have consistently dismissed the rumors as just that. However, it still has not stopped the media from asking "experts" (got asked this question just last week) whether this is a healthy or new-age way of preserving marriage by decreasing the likelihood of divorce due to infidelity.

In essence, the idea that all men need to cheat (even our idols Will & Jada are okay with it-again an untruth) has been received as fact and thereby launching the debate... Is traditional monogamy DEAD?

The media can have such a strong influence on the public but be careful what you believe or normalize. It can affect your psyche and kill your own relationships! Please, Don’t Believe the Hype! Instead adjust your focus. I doubt Barack Obama is allowed, or wishes for that matter, to step out on Michelle Obama-how exactly do you replace her? Additionally, I cannot fathom Jada with all her self-confidence and attitude (which all men find very appealing) even remotely being cool with that. I don't know her at all but I just can't see it and don't want to for that matter.

So, let me offer one NEEDED counter-point to the Monogamy is Dead notion. Men don’t like drama. Nine times out of ten, men regret the times they cheated on a spouse or loved one because inevitably the few hours (sometime only minutes) of pleasure resulted in a lifetime of hurt feelings, divorce, child support and/or even separation from their children. Will has been lucky (meaning struck gold) with both wives and I cannot see him stepping out in hopes of finding a third. I mean, I know he's Will Smith but how much luck can one man have?

Besides, men and women usually view sex differently making a consistent long-term affair a relative impossibility. The reality is that even “cheating women” (willing to be with married men) have feelings. The psychology is usually not, “I’m okay with being his side-lady for life.” Instead, she usually feels, “Something must not be right at home if he’s having sex with me.” Over time, the side-lady wants to be the main or only lady and the fireworks begin!

Eventually, the man will have to admit to the affair, explain to his sons or daughter (what an awful thought) why mom is upset with him, publicly face her parents/friends during the process of trying to work things out and watch the pain, agony, and suffering he caused all over…SEX.

I’ll admit that I like variety and get tempted as much as the next man but preserving family is a little higher on the importance scale when I think about it. I’m sure I’ll be tempted again but the thought of having that talk with my daughter kills the drive. Additionally, how dumb would I feel if I cheated on Jada Pinkett-Smith and who wants to be the one to tell her? Chances are Will feels the same way. Stand up and rejoice...Monogamy is ALIVE!

Men- Am I the only one in the world who feels this way?

Ladies- How real is monogamy in your dating experiences?

God Breaks You To Bless You

Sometimes God breaks you to bless you. No one likes the idea or process of being broken but sometimes it’s the best thing that can happen to us. For instance, when I experienced sudden and rapid success in business and my personal life about five years ago I realized it was actually a curse. I thought to myself, “I have money, a gigantic home, a booming practice, an awesome love life…I’m great.”

When I was broken and many of those things were compromised I realized that I had made a fatal mistake. I made the mistake of elevating myself and not God. I leveraged my success as an opportunity to promote Dr. Tartt, The Super-Psychologist, and not God. In fact, I even had the gall to initially resist the process of being broken and relied on the world (sex, prosperity speakers, and elevating other’s needs above my own) to cope. Quite naturally, none of this worked and eventually I had no choice but to submit to the process.

The amazing thing is that once my ego was gone (Super-Psychologist couldn’t even fix himself)…God was able to enter my life in a manner stronger than ever. When we are broken it allows us to depend only on God for comfort. I truly was dependent on HIM because I knew I simply could not figure out an answer on my own, especially one that brought me peace of mind. I learned first hand the value and worth of daily relationship with God and I’m a lot wiser because of it.

This time around, I’m actually ready and mature enough to handle the success, notoriety and financial blessings. I don’t get too high on myself because I recognize the true source: God. As a result, you don’t have to worry about me going “Hollywood” (mindset wise that is) because I stay on my knees daily and I’m thankful versus expecting of the blessings. I’m conscious of avoiding promotion of self and work diligently to place the emphasis on the message. In turn, I’m more effective and useful to God because I lead all who meet and interact with me to HIM.

What benefits did you get out of being broken?
What can you share/testify with others to help them to accept the process of being broken?

Want More Power? Embrace Pressure

When God allows life to pressure and stress you instead of resisting or retreating (drinking, smoking, sex) try meditation and prayer to ask God what's the purpose of the pressure is. Why? A prayerful response to pressure always brings clarity and vision. Trying to resist or handle the pressure yourself leads to anxiety, irritability and helplessness. Allow God to re-direct you (via pressure) when your natural instincts send you off course. HIS vision is better than ours!

Having relationship with God allows you to have faith when life's pressure arise (money, love, job, family problems). Utilize God to help you see (I'm talking immediately) what he wants you to do (even if it means waiting). Relaxing and realizing that God will never let you down allows you to have peace of mind even while the fire burns. Fire can destroy or refine. A relationship with God will allow you to always be refined in the end. Fire is needed to burn away the impurities, inflated ego, and self-reliance. Ultimately, you will be improved.

Hey, you want success right? Then stay prayerful, accept that God controls all things (not us) and allow the pressure to refine, improve and guide you towards a greater destination that you could have sailed alone. From experience, I still stress over finances, life, etc. from time to time but remembering that I'm not in control and recounting God's 100% success rate in providing for me-especially in times of fire- allows me to relax and focus on where he is sending me.

Moral: If you're stressed today- stop stressing, start praying and realize that life will always have ups and downs. Enjoy the ride, embrace the journey and let God lead while you accept the process that will improve provide you with greater power to influence and impact the world. Sometimes pain and pressure produce your greatest work! I don't know about you but I only connect with speakers, musicians, and helpers who have experienced pain and can RELATE to mine.

What times in your life have you found a benefit to pressure? Did it produce more personal power?

My source for daily inspiration

Please Flirt with My Man!

You are enjoying a wonderful first date at- SURPRISE- a nice restaurant in the upscale part of town. He opens the door for you and things are going even better than planned and then it happens…

That cute, little waitress who seated the two of you- who already was a little too friendly for your liking in the first place- walks over and makes direct eye contact with your date and tops off his wine while barely even acknowledging you. Mr. Love-Of-Your-Life smiles and returns the direct eye contact with Ms. Friendly. It looks like you aren’t the only one who’s in the market for a man who's marriage material.

What do you do?

A) Give the waitress a piece of your mind.

B) Instruct your date to focus his attention on you and only you.

C) Ignore it and move on with the date.

D) Give the waitress a compliment and ask for the manager

If you answered A… WRONG.
If you answered B… WRONG.
If you answered C… WRONG.
If you answered D… CONGRATULATIONS and GET YOUR RING FINGER READY!

A. While putting the waitress in her place, refocusing your date, or outright ignoring Ms. Rude might make you feel better; it certainly will ruin any chance you have with Mr. Right. Why? Any attention you focus on the waitress affirms her as a threat in your date’s mind. If you have to check her then men think, "She must be worth pursuing or at least flirting with."

B. If you have to instruct or request that your date refocus his attention on you, the “She’s Controlling Alarm” may be set off. Also, you appear desperate. Even worse, now that you have officially verified the waitress as someone powerful enough to distract his attention away from you, he will undoubtedly want her more.

C. A logical answer except for the possibility that ignoring the waitress may send a message that you are oblivious, powerless, or accepting of other women openly flirting with your date ("All Men Are Dogs Anyway Disorder"). Although it makes no sense to women, the cuter the waitress is the more your typical man will try to rationalize why it’s not “so bad” to get her number. After all, YOU didn’t say anything...maybe you didn't even notice...or you're insecure and would rather share a man versus have none at all.

D. Congratulations. MR. RIGHT is going home with YOU. I’m impressed because you must have read my book, The Ring Formula: How To Marry MR. RIGHT, because you just pulled a serious POWER MOVE even a psychologist would be impressed with. Oh, I’m sorry…you’re probably asking, “What did I do?”

By publicly acknowledging her beauty you demonstrated that while her beauty and flirtation were obvious, it was certainly no threat to you. Your date will be impressed that you don’t have any insecurities despite a blatant violation by the waitress. By asking for the manager, you scare the bejesus out of the waitress because she knows she was wrong.

However, being the super-dynamic, awesome, confident woman that you are, you decide to throw a curve ball. Instead of complaining, you praise her for her excellent customer service. Can you say mind games? In turn, the waitress is so relieved that she tries to cover her tracks by filling your wine and being super nice to YOU. In fact, when she returns to check on your table she doesn’t even look at YOUR man again. My, my how the tables have turned!

Chances are that your date has never met a woman so confident and skillful. He now begins to look at you as the potential “ONE” because you just claimed it. So ladies repeat after me:

"Other women are no threat" ,"I'm the best woman you EVER dated","Your attempts to think otherwise are futile."

Wow, I just fell on the floor dreaming about a woman with that much CONFIDENCE. Moral of the story, when it comes to dating towards marriage…

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY YOU'RE THE "ONE" YOU HAVE TO DATE LIKE IT!

Men- Do you agree or would you prefer your date to take an alternative approach? How common is it for you to date women who fail to hide their insecurities?

Ladies- Which one did you answer? Do you agree with my advice or do you have something better? How do you ward off disrespectful women who assume that your dating is "choosing?" Have you ever dated a man that had insecurities that posed a problem?

Want the book that gives the entire RING FORMULA towards marriage for under 15 bucks?

Education: Kids No Longer See Value in Education

Children no longer understand the value of education. They are being mesmerized by reality television and believe that success happens overnight and don't see the link between good grades and success until it's too late. Sadly, many are disappointed when confronted with the harsh reality that education is needed now more than ever. Many struggle with unemployment and even homelessness and wish they would have taken school more seriously after it's too late. Having a heart for children and educators (child of two and brother to one), I've decided to be proactive and speak to as many youth as possible about the importance of gaining knowledge to realize their dreams.

What are you doing to help youth realize the importance of education?

Why do you feel kids are focusing less and less on education in a time where it is needed the most?

Are We Spoiling Our Kids?

A teenager came up to me at the gas station and asked me for ten dollars. I responded by asking him, "Why don't you have a job?" He quickly informed me that we were in a recession. I challenged him by asking him to explain the "Now Hiring" sign in the Popeyes (fast food restaurant) across the street. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't do Popeyes". I laughed and told him I would "see what I could do" after I came out of the store.

Initially, I found myself getting upset at how pathetic this young man was but then began to consider the idea of giving him a few bucks. After all, he was only a kid. Then I really observed him for ten minutes. I noticed that he had on designer shoes, a cell phone, a fresh hair cut and smelled of cologne. Right then I understood, this young man was spoiled! How can any kid who refuses to work fast food deserve to live the high life and have the nerve to ask for what I had to work hard for?

In the old days (and I'm only 35), teenagers worked because our parents refused to spoil us and make us weak. My parents would kill me if I ever begged for money when I had perfect health, mind, and miles of potential jobs (washing cars, cutting grass, raking leaves, fast food, grocery stores, etc). I now realize that my parents gave me the one thing that helped me to be the hard working man I am to day...STRUGGLE.

That's right...struggle. I realized how hard it was to earn a dollar so I learned to value it. I learned that no one was going to give me anything and that I had to earn what I got. I learned to hustle, be resilient, budget and never give up. If someone was hiring I was determined to find out who and beat my competition to the job. I learned that there's always a shortage for talent, hard work, and a positive attitude. I also learned that beggers couldn't be choosy and proudly worked a variety of $4/hr jobs as a teenager.

Back to the teenager. Naturally, I saw the young man when I returned to my car. I said, "Maybe I was too tough on you earlier... I'll trade you this $20 if you'll give me a $10." He smirked and replied, "I don't have a $10". I responded, "You would if you worked at Popeyes"!

Parents, was I too strong or do you feel we are spoiling our kids too?