Why Settle for Being Wife-y When You Can Be The Real Thing

I was first introduced to term “Wifey” by the R & B group NEXT in 2000. They had a song entitled, Wifey, that flew up the charts because it was catchy and talked about love and marriage. However, that was the problem. All it did was talk about marriage. In the video, each one of the male singers had a female love interest but not one of them had an engagement ring. I was confused. How can you propose to someone without a ring? Oh, now I get it, will you be my wife-y?

I know you may be thinking, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” Well, nothing, unless you ignore the y! By definition, a wife-y is someone who is wife-like but not an actual wife. She provides the man with all the benefits of being married- sex, loyalty, home-cooked meals, raising his kids- but without the actual title and ring afforded to a real wife. That song is a decade old now but it captured the current and growing phenomenon of women settling for being just wifeys. As a man, I couldn’t understand why a woman would settle for being an Almost-Wife versus a real one and then I met Renee.

Renee sought relationship advice about her long-term boyfriend, Anthony, whom despite multiple affairs, she had remained faithful to for years. She was growing frustrated with him talking about marriage without actually proposing. He used all the typical tricks. He took her to meet his parents, window shopped for rings and even gave her a key to his apartment with an open door policy which, ironically, is how she caught him cheating each time. Renee was slowly beginning to realize that she would never be a wife, at least not Anthony’s, and wanted a professional male’s perspective on what she should do.

Renee was beautiful! She had beautiful teeth, full lips, was well cropped and never missed an opportunity to showcase a mean shoe game with matching designer bag, of course. Despite possessing all the fashion sense of Paris runway model, Renee didn’t even possess a Wal-Mart education when it came to understanding men.

My advice to her was simple and direct. I advised her to leave Anthony. By her response, you would have thought I accused her of shopping at PayLess. “I know you are not suggesting that I give up everything that I have worked for and endured- all the affairs, the lies, the broken promises- and leave with nothing to show for it, do you?” I calmly asked her, “Renee, what do you really have?” Before she could retort, the weight of the question overwhelmed her and she began to cry. I empathized with her and advised her on regaining the power in her relationship. The advice worked too because within four months, Renee had a ring on her finger. I bet you want to know what I told her, huh?

First, she had to stop allowing fear to drive her relationship. Her fear of losing Anthony, being alone and starting over again was preventing her from gaining what she desired most: A husband. You are what you think about; and if all you think about is not losing then it’s psychologically impossible to ever win.

Second, she needed to stop taking Anthony’s infidelity issues personally. Anthony’s own fears led him to sabotage the relationship every time he felt pressured to marry her. Like most men, Anthony feared being inadequate as a husband. How could he profess to love and cherish Renee for the rest of his life with no track record of being successful in the past? So, he purposely fouled up but not enough to permanently lose Renee, his “wifey”.

Third, I empowered her by showing her how to use Anthony’s greatest fear against him: the fear of losing her. Men are naturally possessive and their egos cannot handle the idea of losing the woman of their dreams and being forced to helplessly watch from the sideline as she give his love to another man, until death due them part. Men dislike feeling ashamed. Thus, avoiding it is a motivator. How could Anthony live with himself knowing that he lost his future wife all because he was scared?

Now, there was only one thing left to do. Renee needed to conquer her own insecurities so she could feel confident about leaving. She worked through childhood feelings of paternal abandonment, abusive ex-boyfriends and strengthened her relationship with God, the ultimate Father. She began to see what was so obvious to others yet had been blind too herself- the beautiful child of God who was most deserving of unconditional love and committed relationship. So, with God as her guide, she gathered her belongings and left Anthony in search of a real husband. She explained to Anthony that while she loved him deeply, God’s love for her was far greater and that she refused to settle for less than equal value. She kissed him softly and walked like a Proverbs 31 woman to her car and sped away.

Poor Anthony couldn’t even make it one week before he was harassing her work, texting her daily and stalking her at church. When he did finally track her down, he came prepared and revealed a sparkling two-carat ring and proposed on the spot. She cried, took the ring with no response and made an impromptu visit to my office the first thing Monday morning. She wanted to say thanks, but then threw a curveball that even an ex-baseball catcher turned psychologist didn’t predict. She returned the ring and informed Anthony that she would entertain future proposals but not until he entered counseling to deal with his infidelity issues. Besides, she had met someone else and wanted too see if this was the man God promised her. As it turns out, he was a male client whose appointment always preceded hers. His reason for seeing me…couldn’t find a wife. Go figure. Isn’t God good!

Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man? Part Three

#3- Poor Dating Skills and Lack of Self-Confidence

The third reason that is preventing too many successful African-American women from dating toward marriage is a combination of poor dating skills and lack of self-confidence. I combine the two because I feel they go hand and hand. Both are absolute no-no’s when it comes to courting a man.

Women should always be two or three steps ahead of a man. She should start the courting process by knowing and capitalizing on the fact that men thrive off and are addicted to power. If she’s been schooled properly then she knows that it’s her power that drives men wild. However, don’t get confused about the term “successful” as being important to men when seeking a wife. Truth is, men could care less about a woman's career, home ownership status or the quality of her ride (worldly success). These may be virtues that may matter when seeking a business partner but certainly not a wife.

What we really care about when searching for Mrs. Tartt (my last name-smile) is how successful you are in transforming us from Clark Kent into Superman! See, even the most prideful man knows that a great woman is essential in upgrading him into the best man he can possibly be. Let’s look at a happily married man as an example. By and large, he eats healthier, has more emotional support/physical intimacy, better manages his money and is more balanced in his life. In fact, he's made enough improvements that he may even consider running for President of the United States!

A woman with supreme confidence assesses a bachelor's “gaps” and areas of needed growth and quickly and confidently goes to work. She utilizes her awesome skills set (nurturer, motivational speaker, comforter, business adviser, workout coach, prayer partner, etc.) to transform him from a man with potential into one of substance and mighty force. Within in a year, her imprint on him is so noticeable to his parents, friends and colleagues that he would be a fool to let his new found source of enhanced power get away.

See, a woman with dating skills and supreme confidence realizes that a man’s greatest fear is not commitment. Instead, his greatest fear is not marrying the woman of his dreams and, in turn, downgrading back into the less powerful and permanent bachelor Clark Kent. If that’s not enough, he has to suffer for an eternity for leaving the door wide open for another less-deserving (at least in our minds) yet obviously smarter man to marry her. To add insult to injury, she has the nerve to let her husband (which should have been him) wear his Superman cape.

In summary, ladies, since when did you lose your confidence to improve single men’s lives. Has the media really clouded your judgment? Don’t you see the single brothers in your neighborhood still eating fast food, working all the time and on a dating carousel of poor choices with high heels but no ideals? Of course you do! So, do what a future wife would do please! Step in and UPGRADE THAT MAN. Remember to pack your cookbook, Bible and Superman cape too because the ring you covet and deserve isn’t made out of Kryptonite.

Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man? Part Two

Reason 2: Black Women Appear Too Unapproachable

Black women have a bad habit of appearing unapproachable without knowing it. Others may describe Black women as mean or B’s because their faces often look upset, powerfully distant and coldly rejecting at times. However, someone more intimate and knowledgeable of the Black woman would realize that it's a mask that Black men are somewhat responsible for creating in the first place.

The sad truth is that we have let down a lot of our sisters by being absent dads, inadequately educated and dating outside the race (primarily celebrities not in the general population). These are tough pills to swallow for African-American women and only serve to add insult to injury. Sadly, it's difficult to find a race of people who treat their women as poorly as we have in the recent past.

Yes, I know a series of sociological factors (racism, lack of access to quality education, hip-hop music) have contributed to the lack of available Black men to marry, but those factors don't exactly comfort the bruised egos of our Black women. Truth is, the large majority of Black women in their late 20's to 40's should be married by now if compared to their White counterparts.

However, I do bring good news and one very easy suggestion that should attract your Black Adonis despite the statistics. SMILE because there are millions of responsible, highly educated (college and self-educated), strictly Chocolate-loving Black men who are struggling to find lasting love as well. Trust me, they would love to make your acquaintance. All they need is a simple sign that you are ready for them to introduce themselves. A stunning smile, playful attitude and fun-loving spirit mixed with walk of a Nubian Goddess are all any Black man needs to get inspired and approach with the swagger of a King.

Fact is, Black men need more smiles in their in life. Coming home to a Black woman with a smile on her face is therapeutic and ensures that even the worst day ends well. With all the stress from the recession, racism and social ineqaulity that Black men must endure, what Black man do you know who couldn't use a warm smile right about now? So ladies, remember to SMILE when you are in public...Black men are looking and waiting for you to make it personalized too.

Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man? Part One

Sometimes God sends you surprises in big packages! I was selected to attend and provide "expert" analysis on the upcoming ABC Nightline Faceoff, “Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man.” The panelist included Hill Harper, Jimi Izrael, Sherri Sheppard and Jacque Reid and was moderated by ABC journalist Vicki Mabry and author/comedian/radio host Steve Harvey. By and large, what was discussed has been heard before. However, what makes it can’t miss television are the highly entertaining, energetic personalities and thought provoking format.

It also succeeded in lighting a fire inside of me to discuss the real problems behind why successful, Black woman are struggling to meet, court and marry. I’ll start with three primary reasons:

1) Lack of Access To Quality Men
2) The Appearance of Being Unapproachable
3) Poor Courting Skills & Poor Self-Confidence

I’ll briefly explain the first point. Despite what’s been largely written and promoted in the media, I don’t feel that the majority of Black women are doing anything wrong when it comes to dating. I simply feel that after college the social scene changed so dramatically that African-American men and women simply lost access to one another. In most cities, even major ones like Atlanta, single men and women have no common place to naturally meet to interact with the opposite sex outside of the bar, lounge or club setting. After all, how can you marry a man whom you never even gotten the opportunity to meet?

This is a solvable problem. There is no doubt in my mind that if every available Black person went back to college for a week that more than half would eventually get married. Hence, our biggest problem is lack of access to one another, not what each gender is doing wrong. So, I am calling for a national movement to bring back the late afternoon, early evening house party where friends invite platonic friends for the sole purpose of conversing, dating and eventually marrying one another. After all, a brother has to eat and a sister needs some boxes moved, right?. Who’s in?

Men Looking to "Put A Ring On It"

As a psychologist and author, I’ve discovered a major fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to relationships: MEN REFUSE TO SETTLE!

I’ve heard for years that men in their late 20’s, 30’s or 40’s who are professional, attractive, God-fearing yet SINGLE must be one of four things: 1) Gay 2) Crazy 3) Life-time players or 4) Commitment phobic. However, I would like to add one much more likely category that I believe will ACCURATELY categorize the majority of good, available, professional men who love the Lord…

LOOKING

That’s right LOOKING. They are looking for the right woman to settle down with. Men do not tend to settle for even 75% of what they are looking for- they want it ALL. By experience, men will not settle down and marry until they find that special woman, the ONE ak.a. the "complete package", who sweeps them off their feet by possessing ALL the qualities to warrant the term “wife”. A man will date numerous women, avoid commitment with a pretty good woman, and choose work, money and/or working out over marriage for the rest of his life-especially one who’s been divorced before-

UNLESS…

A woman comes along who sweeps him off of his feet who knows the RING FORMULA- the ring formula to being his wife. She must possess all of qualities that he has been searching high and low, near and far, locally and internationally for. If a woman has the formula down then she’s in the ultimate position of power. After all, one of man’s greatest fears is letting the ONE walk into and out of his life. He’s spent his entire adult life looking for her remember-that’s why he’s dated so many women (don’t you get it?).

He still can recall the potential ONES he didn’t commit to earlier who are now married or moved on. This time around, he’ll give his left arm not to lose the ONE and put in the necessary WORK (a term of endearment for men) to seal the deal which usually means producing a RING.

What are these qualities? Here’s a sneak peak at my list. Watch the video for detailed explanation and please feel free to add your own!

1) A Chef
2) A Cheerleader
3) A Counselor
4) A Women With Supreme Confidence
5) An Encourager
6) A Co-Pastor
7) A CEO
8) You add…

I Cheated On My Regular Bible With...

I used to read my regular Bible daily and only felt encouraged. Privately, however, I really didn't understand how I was supposed to apply what I read to my own life. I would nod with approval as the pastor read the word and then daydream about things I needed to do after church while the sermon was still being delivered (just being honest and don't act like I'm the only one-smile).

One day, however, I couldn't help but notice that a large number of people kept reading the Bible after the specific verse had been read. I took a sneak peek at my neighbor to the right to see if they were just slow readers, getting ahead, or if their Bible had more text than mine. I was surprised to learn that it did! They had something called a Life Application Bible that broke down each scripture in application form at the bottom of each page. At once I was hooked and made the switch. Here's why...

Presently, I am struggling with two issues:

1) Dedicating all of my work to God and not to Alduan. Am I uplifting HIM or Dr. Tartt?

2) Having faith in God that everything will work out versus making things happen myself. You see how that worked for John Henry.

Here's what I read verbatim from the Life Application Bible this morning (in italics).

Proverbs 16:3: Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Application Section for Proverbs 16:3

There are different ways to fail to commit whatever we do to the Lord. Some people commit their work only superficially. They say the project is being done for the Lord, but in reality they are doing it for themselves. Others give God temporary control of their interests, only to take control back the moment things stop going the way they expect. Still others commit a task fully to the Lord, but put forth no effort themselves, and then they wonder why they do not succeed. We must maintain a delicate balance: trusting God as if everything depended on him, while working as if everything depended on us. Think of a specific effort in which you are involved right now. Have you committed it to the Lord?

Wow, did that sum it up or what? To be honest without the application section to this verse I would have only been encouraged and left with no specific instructions about application. Now, I clearly understand how to balance faith and work. For me, word without application is useless but no longer do I have to worry about that. I've found a new love (smile).

Chances are many of you already have a Life Application Bible but if you were late to the party like I was, maybe you should peruse one yourself. Can you really afford not to in times like these? God Bless!

Less Is More: No MVPs Allowed In Love

If there is one thing that psychologists, therapists, and helpers in general are notorious for it’s bringing a MVP attitude into our personal relationships. As a result, we tend to do way too much work in relationships. We feel LeBron James-like because we are used to fixing everyone else’s relationships and, quite naturally, take the lead role on fixing our own.

Well, well, well…how exactly did that work out for LeBron? He took the lead role only to discover that a team without a MVP had significantly more power. Why? Because each member of the Orlando Magic simply focused on “doing his part” and allowing their teammates to do the same. It kept everyone focused, included, and HAPPY. Truth is, everyone wants to feel like a contributor by doing his/her respective part well.

The same thing holds true in relationships. Two people who commit to doing their equal share (50%) are always stronger than a couple with a 75-25, MVP-style split. As helpers, we should know that a fist is always more powerful than a finger-no matter how big or clinically skilled it is. We must commit to simply doing our part (never to exceed 50%) and rely and expect our partners to do the rest. They are not patients, clients, etc. and are fully capable-if allowed- to do their part.

We cannot single-handily fix our relationships. When we try, we always make matters worse and our partners eventually feel disempowered and ultimately do less and less since we are so driven to do it all (like LeBron’s teammates). Ironically, the team or relationship needs the MVP to fail so that the other partners can step up and shoulder the load. When we do this, our partners will appreciate us more and we’ll become a stronger team. Remember, when it comes to helpers, MVPs and love… less truly is more.

Do you find this to be true in your relationships?